Alright, to start it off, this is about PJ, because he’s the one who makes me feel the most confused.
“I’m so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face.
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.”
I’m afraid for him to find out that I have feelings for him. If he does, he’ll probably shun me or something because I’m three years younger than him. I’m afraid of embarrassing myself in front of my section if they ever do find out about it, because they just detest him. They don’t like how he bosses them around, even though he technically can. When he walks into fifth period and I see him, I want to disappear so I wont have a chance of exposing myself.
“We used to laugh, we used to hug,the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.”
I used to give him almost no attention. He was George. He was indirectly my boss, but that was it. I followed his instructions without a second thought. And I didn’t turn red or start laughing around him. And Yuki most certainly didn’t tease me about him. But, now, whenever we even talks to me or pokes me, I turn what Clarissa calls “crayon,” and instantly struggle to regain normalness.
“Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.”
I don’t know if what I’m feeling is right or not. Usually, I can tell right away. But, in this case, I guess I’m succumbing to a bit of peer pressure. I don’t want to let anyone I don’t trust know. If they did know, they’d tell him. He probably already does know. But is it a serious thing I’m feeling or is it just lust? I know I’m young to recognize the difference, but I’m not sure at this stage.
“So complicated, I’m so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.”
I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to handle it. When I see him, I want to be close to him, but then I realize I’d just start spazzing and blushing, so I refuse. When Yuki asked me if I’d like to do cymbals for George at the assembly instead of her, I got really happy. And then I realized he’d know in an instant. So I said no. And when he gets bothersome, I want to push him away. But then he’s nice to me and I want him to stay. So my logic and emotions interfere with each other.
“Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again, I don’t. It’s so complicated.”
Should I let him know? As in, should I flirt? I keep myself from it because I know it would just lead to something that’s complicated. If he were younger, as in, my age, I would go for it. But, because he’s so much older than me, I prevent myself from doing what would lead to what I want. I want him to know I have feelings for him. But I shouldn’t. It would just get complicated. It’s best to keep it all in my head.
“Oh… just when I think I’m under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips.”
Okay, anecdote time: Yuki and I were walking out of school one day when we walked past George. I saw him and I was trying to pretend to ignore him. I thought I finally had it under control. But then Yuki whispered to me, “He was totally just checking you out.” And I denied it because I didn’t want to believe it. Well, I did. The truth was, I didn’t want to believe that I wanted it.
“They say I’m more than just a friend,
they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I’ve seen you watch me
from the corner of your eye.”
Well, it’s actually the other way around. I get convinced that everything he does to me means something. I Hairwoman it. They tell me that it’s just a touch, etc. But I always deny it because I want to think that it means more. And I do see him watch me, sometimes. Sometimes, he turns away. But, most of the time, he just keeps staring and I have to turn away because I’m starting to blush.
“Oh, It’s so confusing.I wish you’d just confess.
But think of what I’d be losing,
if your answer wasn’t yes.”
I just wish I could have a straight answer. I want to know, with finality, if it means anything, everything he’s been doing. But then I think of what would happen if he said he didn’t mean anything. I’d have to deal with him all year, lose his friendship, and, on top of that, he’s still my superior. And that would be awkward. But I’m also afraid of what would happen if he said he did mean something. We’d still be separated because it isn’t wise to date someone that much older than you at this age.
